We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
