Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
