You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
