I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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