You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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