I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
