So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
