fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i will never coherently bang her
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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