Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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