the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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