my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
