So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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