Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
