I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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