I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
