I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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