I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
be right there i have to get my cape
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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