dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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