I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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