Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
