I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Of course I have a pirate flag
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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