If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
