I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
