I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will be naked everywhere
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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