see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
