found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
