i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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