mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
