Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
