Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
