Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
