I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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