I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
