Yo dont text me then not text me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
