just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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