She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
