just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
