paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
