i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
