I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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