my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
