I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
