so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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