I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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