so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
