I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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