it was like having sex with a tree stump
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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