Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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