1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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