I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
