can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
