she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
