Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Boobs are out for the taking
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
