i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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