He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
