My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
