hell yes lets make some ravioli
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
a search helicopter?!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
