We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
