just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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