why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
