Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize