after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
A+ Viking dick
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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